December. The season of joy, cozy sweaters, and apparently… questionable frying decisions. It’s like the collective brain goes, “You know what this gravy boat of a month needs? Hot oil.” Deep fryers start coming out of retirement faster than Mariah Carey on November 1st.
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Some foods just shouldn’t be dunked, no matter how festive you feel. Here are six deep-fried holiday experiments that probably should’ve stayed ideas whispered after too much eggnog.
Candy Canes That Never Stood a Chance
Someone always thinks they’re a genius for battering a candy cane. “It’ll melt into a peppermint fritter!” they say, moments before it fuses into a sticky glass sculpture of regret. The smell alone could fumigate a gingerbread house. You end up with a weaponized lump of sugar that could take out a molar on contact.
It clings to the fryer like it’s holding on for dear life, and by the time you pry it loose, your kitchen smells like a dentist’s office caught fire. Deep-fried candy canes are the culinary equivalent of texting your ex, you can do it, but you’ll wish you hadn’t.
Fruitcake, Because Why Not Make It Worse
Every December, a fruitcake gets passed from house to house like a cursed relic. So naturally, someone thought, “Let’s fry it.” Imagine molten candied fruit bits bubbling in oil, turning into shrapnel. The batter slides off immediately because even grease rejects fruitcake. What comes out isn’t dessert, it’s a sticky, dense brick that could stop a snowblower.
You try to eat it out of politeness, but halfway through, you start negotiating with yourself like it’s an endurance challenge. If you’ve ever wanted to taste both Christmas and defeat at the same time, this is it.
Eggnog on a Stick, The Regret is Instant
Deep-fried eggnog sounds like something dreamed up by someone who confused a county fair with a cry for help. The logic is unclear: “Let’s take this creamy, spiced drink and… fry it solid?” What happens instead is a chaotic slurry that either explodes in the oil or transforms into an edible sponge of shame. The smell?
Like hot nutmeg and sadness. You’ll stare at it, fork in hand, wondering if you’ve accidentally invented something illegal in three states. It’s festive, sure, but only in the way your uncle’s Christmas rant is “memorable.”
Leftover Turkey, The Final Boss of Grease
By December 27th, everyone’s fridge looks like a turkey graveyard. So naturally, someone thinks: deep-fry the leftovers! Except by now, that bird’s as dry as a weather report in the desert. The fryer oil pops like it’s staging a rebellion, and you’re left with a golden-brown husk that crunches like roofing tile.
You’ll chew for five minutes and still be chasing a hint of flavor. It’s basically a poultry jerky in denial. The worst part? You’ll still put it on Instagram, captioning it “holiday innovation” like you’re auditioning for a cooking show no one asked for.
Chocolate Santas That Melt Into Existential Dread
You unwrap one of those hollow chocolate Santas and think, “What if I deep-fried this guy?” What if, indeed. The second it hits the oil, Santa loses structural integrity and becomes a bubbling chocolate swamp. The result is a sad, half-formed lump that looks like something discovered at an archaeological dig of bad choices.
You’ll stand over the fryer watching Christmas literally melt away, questioning your life trajectory. It’s festive destruction at its finest, and yet you’ll probably do it again next year, just to be sure it’s still terrible.
Mashed Potatoes, The Betrayal of Comfort Food
Mashed potatoes, soft, creamy, reliable. Until someone decides to fry them into “balls.” At first, it seems fun, like reinventing comfort food. But then you bite in, and it’s just a molten starch bomb that scalds your tongue while tasting faintly of despair.
The outside crunches like promise; the inside burns like regret. It’s the food equivalent of watching a Hallmark movie you secretly hate but can’t turn off. You’ll eat one, swear never again, and then reach for another, because that’s just who we are in December.
So, if this month has you feeling a little too creative in the kitchen, maybe just step away from the fryer. Some foods are meant to sparkle under twinkle lights, not bubble in oil like they’re auditioning for a disaster reel.
Deep-frying has its heroes, sure, but December’s menu doesn’t need more chaos. Save the oil for the fries and the ambition for the new year.
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